The Rant

Why You’re Not Losing Fat

I’m about to go off, so if you’re easily offended or you want me to be politically correct, then don’t read this.  Or you can read it, cry and then grab some tissue, but just don’t ask me for any.  I’m not going to give it to you.  This is my “fat loss tough love”.

I’ve heard all the excuses before.  I can’t eliminate them because that’s up to you.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with excuses.  I know clients that can have Girl Scout cookies in their home and only have 4 cookies a week.  If I had Girl Scout cookies in the house, I would eat 4 per minute.  That’s just me.  I have to keep them out of the house.

So if you can’t keep something in the house, then freakin’ fix that and take it out of the house.  UGH!… Big, deep breath… and it continues…

“I’m too old to work out”

Shut up, just SHUT UP.  I had a woman in her 70?s in my Boot Camp that can run circles around many 20-year olds.  Heck, I have a client in her 60?s that knocks out Burpees like there is no tomorrow and she always asks for more challenges.  She can lunge her way from GA to CA and would call that a warm-up.  If you think you’re too old, then start.  You’re not too old, you’re just lazy.  NEXT.

“I’m not in shape to work out”

Well, congratulations, you just called yourself an idiot.  That’s why you’re not in shape.  You’re not working out.  And you’re not working out because you’re not in shape.  And you’re not in shape because…. get the picture??

When I started, my lazy fat butt was exhausted after 1 lap around my high school track…. WALKING.   That’s my fault.  I was lazy and played playstation.  We all have to start somewhere.  You just have to start.  Who says you have to be an Olympian athlete to start hitting the gym?  If you’re a human, you can start exercising. NEXT.

“I never see a difference when I work out”

That’s because you’re coming into the gym and doing nothing but “vanity” exercises.  If you knock out some crunches and bicep curls, your body isn’t going to change.  And don’t even get me started with cardio slow enough to watch “Wheel of Fortune” with a smile.  Don’t be ridiculous.  Have you seen the “Curls, Crunches and Cardio Fat Loss Program”?  I didn’t think so.  And if you did, it’s a scam.  I’m not against curls… they are actually fun.

But prioritize people.  Which brings me to my next point…NEXT.

“Exercise is hard work and I get tired”

Hmmm, that’s weird.  Because like… every time I go outside and look up… WOW, there it is… a blue sky.  No kidding Sherlock.  Exercise for fat loss is hard work.

That’s partly why America is overweight.  We’re lazy.  I know that lunges, push-ups, chin-ups, rows, squats, deadlifts, presses, etc., etc. SUCK.  I won’t sugar-coat that.  But c’mon!  DUH!!  You just have to get off your lazy butt and do them.  Oh no!  And you may sweat… the horror!!  Idiot. NEXT.

“I eat like a bird, but I can’t seem to lose weight”

Oh really??  You eat like a bird, huh?  You eat a couple of worms every day?  Hmmm, weird.  How about, “no you don’t”.  Birds don’t “check in”  on Facebook to “Wally’s All-You-Can-Eat Southern Comfort Food” restaurant.  Birds don’t eat cake every other day because someone in their office got promoted or found a way out.  Birds don’t drink 8 beers back-to-back and if they did, I want to see those bad boys fly after that.

It’s a pain in the butt, but you gotta log your calories for 3-4 days and see how many calories you’re really bringing in.  Go to www.fitday.com – it’s free.  You may think you’re bringing in 1400 calories, but you might be consuming 2600 calories.  Yes, it can be that drastic.  Logging your food can be an eye-opener. NEXT.

“I’m Tired”

You’re lazy.  Next.

“I don’t have time”

You watch 2 episodes of “Friends” and 2 Reality TV shows.  That’s 2 hours.  Invest in a DVR and record them. Your TV time is now approx. 72 minutes.  That leaves approx. 48 minutes.  If you do it right, you can knock out a solid workout AND a metabolic finisher in that time.  Don’t go in and do “cardio” and some tricep pushdowns.  Be smart.  Don’t know where to start?  Need a little more challenging workout?  Do the one below:

1A) DB Bulgarian Squat or Reverse Lunge (8 ea leg), followed by 1B with no rest

1B) DB Incline Chest Press (8)

Rest 1 minute and repeat 2 more times

2A) DB Row (8 ea arm), followed by 2B with no rest

2B) Standing DB Military Press (10)

Rest 1 minute and repeat 2 more times

3A) Stability Ball Leg Curl (12-15) followed by 3B with no rest

3B) Stability Ball Plank (Arms on a Stability Ball) (45 secs)

Rest 1 minute and repeat 2 more times

Polish it off with a metabolic finisher – don’t whine, just do them.

Next.

“I eat healthy”

You’re eating too much crap and you know it.  To eliminate junk, you gotta change your environment.  That means you may have to skip hanging out with your corporate friends

after work Friday night.  No big deal there.  All y’all do is whine and complain how much your job sucks anyway.  You don’t need that negativity.  That alone will probably have an impact on your waistline.  Yeah, so you gotta eat more fruits and vegetables.  Is that fun?  Heck no.

Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize food was supposed to entertain your ___.   I remember the first time I ate a salad, I was hoping one of the pieces of lettuce would hop up and pretend he’s Batman and start a kung fu match with my fork.  That would have been awesome.

Healthy doesn’t have to be boring you big baby.  That’s what spices and herbs are for.  Zucchini is stupid.  Zucchini cut up into “french fry” shape sprinkled with Cumin and pepper and then baked for 20 minutes at 375 degress is pretty much awesome.   There… fixed. Get more no-brainer recipes like that by clicking here.

NEXT.

“Healthy eating is too expensive”

You’re right.  Donuts and pastries are cheap compared to fruit.  But be sure to open a savings account so that you can pay the $1500 hospital bill.  I think your local credit union may have a “Hey, Check it Out!, I’m an Idiot” savings plan.  Ask your representative.  Oh wait, I have an idea.  Buy some freakin’ fruit for your sweet tooth and avoid that hassle all together.

“I eat junk food because I have to keep it in the house for the kids”

www.what-a-load-of-crap.com comes to mind (I have no idea if that exists, so I wouldn’t try it).  Can I see the rule book where it says you have to keep Cheetos and Lucky Charms in the pantry or you’ll be reported for child abuse?  I can’t seem to find it.  Oh yeah, that’s right.  It’s next to page “Whatever”.  Your kids will be fine without Lucky Charms or Cheetos in their lives.  I promise.  It’s ok to give them fruit or vegetables.  They will get over it.

If you still want to keep it around for a treat, that’s cool.  Hide it with a combination lock and tell your spouse, friend, etc., etc. the code.  If you really want it bad enough, you’ll have to do the work to get the code… just sayin’.

“My something something hurts.”

Do something about it, and start by reading this post from Rick Kaselj.

I think I covered it all, but I’m sure you can think of new excuses.  And to that, I say find ways to kick those excuses to the curb and quit this whole, “Woe is me” crap.  Knock it off with excuses and get it done.  And quit making it so complicated:

Exercise.  Stick to a nutrition plan. It’s just not that hard people.

Boom went the rant dynamite,

Mikey, CTT

What a weird place for an awkward plug after such a rant (but it’s my blog and I can do what I want):

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